


50 proof

by realfolkblues



Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Break Up, Light Angst, M/M, Oneshot, Post-Break Up, Songfic, alcohol mention, in my opinion at least, more like
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:41:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25181137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/realfolkblues/pseuds/realfolkblues
Summary: it starts with falling in love.
Relationships: Kang Younghyun | Young K/Park Jaehyung | Jae
Comments: 1
Kudos: 27





	50 proof

**Author's Note:**

> songfic, based off of 50 proof by eaj. previously posted on my twitter/write as under a different username.

**_“wake to sunsets”_ **

Falling in love is one of the many mysteries of humanity. Not what causes it, because surely we know who we are in love with, when it began; it all becomes clear to us, someday, somehow. The mystery is what we _feel._ What is the sensation rushing through our heart? The feeling races so quickly through us, that we don’t get a moment to study it, to know what it really is. All we know is that our world now revolves around someone, someone who replaces the sun.

To Jae, Younghyun was his first real love. Everyone who came before, while he loved them, they were nothing like Younghyun. He didn’t lie when he kissed them and said he loved them. It’s just that when he did the same with Younghyun, there was a little bit more truth.

Jae thought that falling in love was like the start of a hot summer day. That the brightness of a person’s smile, the warmth of their hand in his, would overwhelm him, and that’s when he would know he was in love. He thought love was all racing hearts and panicked thoughts. Something that came to you suddenly, like the sun disrupting a good night’s sleep.

Younghyun was no sunrise, though. He was a sunset. Jae looked at Younghyun like he was the moon. He was cold in a calming way; his hand in Jae’s felt warm, but rather than making his heart race, it made him feel at ease. More than anything, he found comfort in Younghyun’s presence. He was the beginning of a silent, but beautiful night, filled with many happy dreams.

Yes, Younghyun was the person of Jae’s dreams. That became an inside joke, with Younghyun sending good morning texts, like, _‘Good morning, did we get married?’_

“You know,” Jae said one day, “I’d like to marry you.”

It was another one of their quiet dates, where Jae would suddenly appear at Younghyun’s apartment, demanding attention from his boyfriend. Younghyun was writing up an essay, Jae’s head resting peacefully on his shoulder. They fit together perfectly. As they always did. As they were meant to.

“Suddenly?” Younghyun replied.

“I’ve been thinking about it. I like this. Being with you. I wanna be with you all the time. And wake up to you, and have a life with you.” While saying this, Jae’s heart felt like it was overflowing. He wasn’t even looking at Younghyun, yet he still felt it. That rush of innocent love, that hopefulness that Younghyun always gave him.

And it seemed like Younghyun felt it too. The image of a future with Jae, he thinks, is one that deserves to be in an art museum. It’s the most beautiful thing he’s pictured. “Yeah? So I’m guessing we got married in your dream again.”

“No, my dream last night was about a flying corndog.”

“Why a corndog?”

“You’re not questioning how it can fly?”

“No, that’s normal.”

They laughed. Then Jae spoke up again. “So? What do you think?”

“I think I wanna marry you too.” Jae immediately burst into a smile. “After I get my degree.”

“So that’s a promise!” Jae kissed Younghyun’s cheek, forgetting to link their pinkie fingers together. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Younghyun was a sunset. Unlike sunrise, which brought overwhelming light and pale, faded colours, he brought a serene, soft glow, with colours brighter than anything Jae has ever seen. A mix of purple, pink, red, and orange; a mix of wisdom, harmony, love, and happiness. He was a dream, one that was too good to be true. But Jae knew that Younghyun was true, their love was true, because Younghyun was there, right in front of him. Younghyun was always there.

But every dream ends when the moon fades away.

**_“what’s gone wrong”_ **

He was so ready to give up. Every day, it was the same. It was the most painful deja vu, the most dreaded cycle. Over and over again, he heard the same words, only from different voices. It shattered him. Beat down the last bit of optimism in him. His innocent hopefulness, something that his boyfriend loved so much, leaked out of him slowly, like blood from an open wound. He was sure this was more painful than a gunshot.

“Thank you. But we’re sorry to say that you’re not what we’re looking for.”

Jae was almost convinced they were looking for anyone but him.

It was his dream to be a musician, to stand on a stage and have his words be heard. To strum heartstrings with his melodies, to awaken emotions in people with his soulful voice. Yet it seemed that unlike Younghyun, this was one of the dreams that’s too good to be true.

Failed audition after failed audition, Jae would find himself entering Younghyun’s apartment. He’d find Younghyun hunched over his textbooks, but the second he saw Jae, he’d stand and approach him.

“What’s wrong, baby?”

And Jae would wrap his arms around Younghyun, holding him in a tight hug, in a desperate attempt to find that tranquillity Younghyun always brought. “I didn’t make it.”

Younghyun would thread his fingers in Jae’s hair, another arm wrapped around Jae’s waist, and gently say, “It’s okay, you can try another time.” Jae would shake his head, and Younghyun would say, “Why not? You’re talented, love. You have it all in you. We just need to find someone who can see that. And we will, okay? I promise.”

“Will I ever be able to do what I love?”

“Of course you will, sweetheart.”

Those words were all he needed to hear. Those words, coming from Younghyun, gave him strength, encouragement, everything he needed to search for another audition, another company. To bring himself to another building, write another song.

But Jae was only human, and humans grow tired. If you do something over and over, yet still stay in the same spot, isn’t it normal to be discouraged? Isn’t it normal to give up? That’s what he thought as he walked through the streets of Hongdae, sighing to himself. _‘One more,’_ he thought, _‘one more and I’ll really give up.’_ He looked at the trainees busking in the streets with envy.

He just wanted to be one of them.

“Hello?” A woman spoke, breaking him from his thoughts.

“Hello.”

“Let me introduce myself to you,” she said, and after she finished, Jae felt hopeful again. After politely saying goodbye and taking her business card, Jae ran to the MRT station, rushing as fast as he possibly could to Younghyun’s apartment.

“Hyun!” He yelled as soon as he was inside. “Younghyunnie, you won’t believe this!”

“What? What is it, baby?” Younghyun was, again, studying. As he always was.

“This lady came up to me when I was at Hongdae, and she said that she found my covers? That’s honestly _so_ embarrassing because I last uploaded, like, literally _five months ago_ , and my camera quality was _horrible_ , but anyways. She found them, and she said she really liked them! Well, not she, more like her company, they said they were interested. They want me to come by next week.”

Younghyun, being Jae’s biggest fan, celebrated this moment with him. Bringing him into a tight hug, cheering with joy. Setting aside his studying to listen to what Jae plans to audition with, what song, and how he’ll sing it. At that moment, Younghyun was almost more excited than Jae.

All he wanted, all he ever wanted, was for Jae to be happy. And Jae was happiest with a guitar in hand and a mic in front of him.

A week passed, and another. It felt like forever, waiting for their reply. Jae was anxious every day of his life, the only thing he could think of was whether he would be accepted or not. Younghyun had to remind him not to pick on his fingers, and to stop shaking his leg while he was sitting down. And Jae would always timidly apologise, uttering a soft, “Sorry.” And Younghyun would always reply, “It’s okay, baby,” with a kiss to Jae’s forehead.

Another one of Jae’s favourite things. Younghyun’s gentle forehead kisses, that always magically put his thoughts back in order.

Suddenly one day, Jae burst into Younghyun’s apartment. Not a surprise, since he does that every time. But this time, when Younghyun asked him what happened, Jae just looked at him with eyes that glistened, unable to speak. Like if he spoke, the tears would start flowing out.

Younghyun braced himself for the worst. Jae wasn’t accepted again. He didn’t know how he could deal with that. With seeing his Jae, his baby, so broken, beaten down after failing, and failing, and failing. He wondered if that beautiful hopefulness, that contagious optimism, would still be in Jae. If Jae could play his guitar without sobbing, if Jae could even sing. Maybe he’d stop singing, because it just brought too much pain. Because his voice was a reminder of all the times he wasn’t good enough.

That thought broke Younghyun, and he had to calm himself down before asking again, “What is it, baby? Did something bad happen?”

Jae shook his head. And next thing Younghyun knew, Jae was in his arms, sobbing a little bit. “Hyun… Younghyunnie… Younghyunnie, I…” And Younghyun thought this was it, the end of everything.

“What happened, sweetheart? I can’t fix it if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.”

“No, no, you don’t—Hyun, I got in.”

“Come again?”

“I got in! They accepted me!” Jae looked at Younghyun, tears in his eyes, but a smile gracing his lips. “I don’t—I feel so—I can’t describe it—”

“You don’t have to. I feel it.” Younghyun hugged Jae tighter. “I’m so, so proud of you, my love. I really am.”

“I’m so happy, Younghyun, I—this is everything—my _world_ is… I’m just _so happy.”_

“I am too.”

Jae took several deep breaths, feeling the calm return to him, Younghyun’s embrace wiping off his tears. But there was something else, a bitter thing, that was eating him up. He stayed silent in Younghyun’s arms, hoping that it would go away. But the burden never did; it didn’t grow, but it didn’t disappear. It simply stayed in him, and he knew he had to tell Younghyun about it.

He was just so, so afraid. Not of how Younghyun would react. He was afraid because he knew the second he said it, the second he let it out into the world, it would be true. It would be true and there would be no turning back from it. Especially if Younghyun…

He wanted one side of the deal, but not the other.

But it doesn’t work that way.

“But, Hyun,” Jae began, “there’s something… They gave me a condition.”

“What is it?” Younghyun asked. Jae was silent. Younghyun caressed Jae’s cheek, keeping it in his palm, and said in the softest voice, “You can tell me.”

_‘I guess I need to,’_ Jae thought. “It’s… They want me to go to LA. Because they’re based there, and I can’t stay here because that’ll be difficult for them, but I can visit often, and I’m… I’m so sorry.”

“Hey, come on, you don’t have to be sorry. This is what you want, Jae. You have it now, your dream is in your hands.” Younghyun took Jae’s hand in his. “If they want you to go to LA, then go. Like you said, you can visit often. And we can Skype or whatever, anyways. And after I get my degree I’ll go there too, and I’m pretty sure it’s legal for us to get married there, so, win-win.”

Jae smiled weakly. Only Younghyun would bring up that joke at a time like this. “You sure?”

“Yes. We can make it work.”

“Okay.”

“Just do what you want, okay? This is your life, after all.”

“Well… right now I want cuddles.”

Younghyun broke into a smile and pressed a kiss on Jae’s lips. “Coming right up.”

Jae thought about what Younghyun said for a long time. That they’ll make it work, that Jae will visit and Younghyun will Skype him, and maybe they’ll be able to live their dream together in LA. Younghyun’s words. That’s what he thought of as he called his parents, said goodbye to his friends at campus. That’s what he thought of when he had coffee and a croissant at the airport cafe, when he went into the boarding gate, when he showed the flight attendant his ticket and she showed him the way. That’s what he thought of when he tried to busy himself with the airplane’s movies, poked at the airplane food; when he woke up mid-flight before going back to sleep.

But mostly, he thought about Younghyun saying, _“Your dream is in your hands.”_

Last time he checked, Younghyun was a few thousand miles away.

**_“how you been doing”_ **

Long-distance relationships can work. So many people have been in long-distance relationships, going through the same things Jae and Younghyun are. Going from a real-life relationship where a date was just an MRT ride away to having to schedule Skype calls is hard, but it’s possible.

But Jae wasn’t just some college kid anymore. He was a singer, releasing EPs left and right, practically living in the studio with his producers. He had his leisure days, but that was at most a day or two in between interviews, photoshoots, meetings, and many more. He knew this was the path he chose, and he didn’t regret it. He just wished that he could have some time to himself, some time to talk to the people he loves, the people he left in Seoul. To Younghyun.

Younghyun, too, wasn’t in the same circumstances as when they started this long-distance thing. After receiving a scholarship to continue his studies, he decided to enrol for a Master’s degree, ruining their plan for Younghyun to move to LA after graduating. Plans don’t work, after all; they’re only outlines that assume life goes smoothly, which it rarely does.

And so every day, they grew more and more distant. Daily Skype calls when Jae wakes up and Younghyun is about to sleep, or vice versa, went to thrice a week, to twice a week, to once a week. Then, twice a month. Every time they talked, it seemed like they lived a whole life without each other. There were so many things Jae didn’t experience with Younghyun, and so many things Younghyun didn’t know about Jae’s life.

They loved each other still, but what is love when you don’t know the person in front of you? What is it when that person isn’t even in front of you?

The funny thing is, they drifted apart so much, that finally cutting that already damaged tie was nothing. When before their connection was like a rope, now it was like a string; snapping it felt, at most, like an ant’s bite. It went smoother than most things.

Younghyun asked Jae if he really wanted to continue this. If he could stand this, this lazy, silent excuse of a relationship.

Jae didn’t reply.

Younghyun said, “Should we just call it quits, then?”

Jae took a second to think before replying, “Yeah, I think so.”

“Well, thanks. For the memories.”

“Thank you too.”

“See you on the other side.”

There were no tears that night. Just Younghyun going to sleep without wishing Jae goodnight first, and Jae going to sleep without spamming Younghyun’s messages with heart emojis and _‘sweet dreams !!! jeyi luvs u !!!’_ And when they woke up, it was like nothing ever happened. They went on with their lives. Younghyun brewing up complicated orders at his part-time job, and Jae recording another song in the studio. A day passed, without them thinking of each other. That day turned into a week, a month.

A year.

A year without sunsets for Jae, a year without the boy who he always looked at like he was the moon. The boy he looked at with adoration, whose cold beauty was as striking as it was soothing. The person who made the dull, harsh world seem like a gorgeous, shimmering landscape.

The morning is when night is dead. Well, night is certainly dead without the moon. And then what?

The sun rises again, life goes on. Jae falls into several sunrises. Sometimes, he’d go on dates set up by his friends; other times, people would come up to him with shy faces and voices, and he’d be too kind to say no. All of them were like sunrises. He never got to falling in love, but he assumed he could. He could feel that rush of anxiety, that moment where his heart rate picks up when they smile at him. He could feel the want to hold them, to kiss them.

But it wasn’t the same. It was never the peaceful, mature love that he and Younghyun shared. Never once did anyone manage to make him feel the gentle, warm stillness that Younghyun did. And yes, he wanted to hold them, and kiss them, but he couldn’t imagine them walking down the aisle, he couldn’t imagine himself in a suit and meeting their family with a ring on his finger.

Nothing was ever the same. But he ignored this thought, ignored all of it. _‘Maybe I just haven’t found the right one,’_ Jae thought to himself. _‘Maybe I just need to keep on looking.’_ The same way he kept on looking for new auditions, new opportunities; he’d just have to keep on looking for new people to fall in love with, until the feelings Younghyun’s heart came to him in a different body.

He only needed to find the one. Because with the way things are, Younghyun sure as hell isn’t that person.

**_“but you don’t know why”_ **

Younghyun would’ve preferred to stay in Seoul. Yes, call him lazy all you want, but some things shouldn’t be left behind just like that. ‘Some things’ referring to his bed and fast wi-fi, because who with a sane mind would want to miss something like that? He heard that LA wi-fi was absolute crap, and he hoped it was at least enough to stream at Netflix in high quality. But even with that little spark of hope, he still didn’t really want to be here.

It’s not like he had a choice, though. His little sister was persistent about this trip, saying that she would rather die than spend the holiday drinking cheap soju at some bar in Gangnam. So he obliged. Reluctantly. Very, very reluctantly.

So far, he was handling the trip well. The thing about LA is that there isn’t much to do if you’re not interested in the grand things, like Hollywood or Universal Studios. New York, Younghyun thought, at least had Broadway—the perfect balance between entertainment and leisure. But no, his little sister decided with this.

“Come _on,”_ she groaned, seeing Younghyun already starting another episode of _The Crown._ “There’s pretty beaches for us to see, who knows you’re actually some surfing god and you just didn’t know because you’ve been holed up in your apartment for several years?”

“Kang Mina,” Younghyun replied, “I’m only here to make sure you don’t die, so as long as you’re not at risk of death, I think I can stay here.”

“What if I die in a shark attack out there?”

“Those are extremely rare, and also you act like you’ll even go that deep into the water before chickening out.”

“Yeah, but life is full of surprises.”

“Probability is a better estimate, I think.”

Mina glared at her brother before heading out. “I hate you. Oh, and tell me if you wanna eat anything special, because delivery options here are pretty bland.”

Younghyun had to hold back a laugh. Of course his sister would still buy him food even after all that. “Yeah, sure. Be safe out there.” And of course he’ll still hope for her safety.

Night had come, Younghyun’s stomach was full with pizza, and he also thought that was too short of a season. Like, seriously? 30 episodes? That’s like, what, two days out of his life? So much for killing time. He was about to start up Minecraft when his sister texted him.

**little kang:** hey so i need your help please don’t get mad at me

_‘What a way to leave an impression, Kang Mina,’_ Younghyun thought. _‘That totally doesn’t make me anxious or anything.’_

**younghyun:** if u got arrested im not bailing u out

**little kang:** why the fuck is that your first thought

**little kang:** anyways

**younghyun:** language

**little kang:** ANYWAYS

**little kang:** i kinda need help but first promise me you won’t lose your shit

**little kang:** i do NOT want an earful when i get back to the apartment please i already can’t stand your voice at normal volume

**younghyun:** ok i promise now just tell me what it is

**younghyun:** u make it sound like u pulled some grand theft auto shit

**little kang:** literally what

**little kang:** ok anyways i kinda told jae that we’re in the area

**younghyun:** fuck do u mean kinda

**little kang:** SEE YOU’RE SWEARING

**little kang:** CALM DOWN

**little kang:** so i definitely told jae that we’re in the area because i mean he’s still kinda our friend right it’d suck if we didn’t tell him

**little kang:** he just asked me if he could get a ride because he got stuck in the studio super late and it’s hella hard to get an uber there

**little kang:** and i said i can’t because 1) our rental car is at the apartment and 2) i’m out with my friends

**younghyun:** so where do i come in bc it seems like this doesn’t have anything to do with me

**little kang:** this is where i ask you for help you annoying fuck

**little kang:** would you rather let your ex-boyfriend suffer trying to find a ride back home at 9 pm OR give him a ride like a nice human being

**younghyun:** jesus christ

**younghyun:** i mean the latter i guess

**little kang:** that was the only correct choice anyways

Younghyun sighed as he shut off his laptop. He looked outside the window—of course it was hard to get an uber, it was pouring. He grabbed an umbrella and put on a coat before going outside.

Truthfully, he didn’t think much of meeting with Jae. It’s not like anything would happen between them; it’s not like anything _could._ Even if sparks flew, and they felt the connection build up again, they wouldn’t be able to go any further than that anyways. They were both adults, busy with their own lives, separated by thousands of kilometres and one hell of a time zone difference.

Maybe if something like this happened back then, Younghyun would give the relationship a second thought. Maybe back then, when he was still starting his Master’s, when Jae’s career hadn’t skyrocketed, a second chance was possible. But now, he knew better than that.

Younghyun knew most of Jae’s songs. They’re played everywhere, even in Seoul—that proves how big he is now. Jae Park is close to being a household name, to one of those artists that everyone just knows. And never once did Younghyun cringe seeing a billboard with Jae’s face, seeing Jae’s album at the underground CD shop, listening to Jae’s song that was playing on the radio or suggested to him on Spotify. He felt nothing towards Jae.

Nothing would happen between them.

But for some reason, like a broken machine, like a too-anxious, too-skeptic human trying to convince themselves that a lie is the truth, Younghyun’s brain kept on repeating that. Over and over again. _Nothing would happen between them. Nothing would happen between them._

**_“who holds you on your 50 proof high”_ **

It was silent. Cold rain beating down and cars whizzing past were the only sounds that could be heard. Neither of them spoke.

Maybe because there was nothing to say. What could they say to each other? At least, what could Younghyun say to Jae? He’d forgotten—no, _repressed_ —everything about their time together. The emotions that they shared, from joy that seemed to be endless, to despair that was only bearable because of their intertwined fingers; the emotions that he felt, that was nothing like anyone before Jae, and nothing like anyone after Jae.

There was something unique about Jae, and Younghyun knew that. Something about Jae that just made him different. It wasn’t something that Younghyun _knew_ —he couldn’t put his finger on it. The force that drew him towards Jae, the intensity with which he loved Jae, those things were indescribable. But he was certain that they wouldn’t return anytime soon.

Jae, on the other hand, had too much to say.

But he was scared. That’s how he always was. Under those blue, woeful lyrics was a lonely, fragile heart. A heart that was protected by nobody—because Jae was like a child stuck in a war, and the leader of the cavalry had left him.

He had so many words, and no way of expressing them. Perhaps it was his destiny to be this lonely.

Suddenly, though, he spoke, and his voice was… like that of a timid puppy this close to whimpering. “Can I play a song?”

Younghyun was puzzled as to why he said that out of all things, and why he would want to do that, but he replied, “Sure.”

Jae plugged in his phone, and the song played.

_Do you still wake to sunsets…_

It was a painful song. It was only a demo; one of the songs that Jae thinks he’ll never release, because it’s just too personal for him. It wasn’t difficult to make, only a soft piano melody with his vocals put on top, and some backing vocals as well. It was a simple song. And it wasn’t difficult to write either. He already had the ideas in his head, the lyrics appearing out of thin air, racing into his thoughts; he finished one line, and already had the other in the back of his mind. Maybe because it was his emotions, true and raw, like some sort of diary entry.

Yes, that’s it. It’s not a song, but a diary entry. An entry of the many, many things that he kept to himself all these years.

When they first broke up, Jae tried to repress all the feelings that came back to him. It was odd; they didn’t come back to him in the first week, the first month after the breakup, but after that. Whenever he saw couples walking together, or when he’d get an invite to a relative’s wedding, he would remember Younghyun. He remembers, once he brought his girlfriend to his sister’s baby shower, and yet all he could think was what would happen if Younghyun was there. Younghyun and his sister were close—he thought that was why, because it was odd for his sister to not be meeting Younghyun for once. But no, that wasn’t the case. It was because he always pictured _this_ , his future, his life, with Younghyun. Living it all without Younghyun was a different kind of empty.

He broke up with that girl a week after the baby shower. He felt nothing.

_… who loves you now?_

The song ended a while before they’d gotten to Jae’s place. It wasn’t a big house, but it felt big, probably because he was alone most of the time.

Probably because he bought it thinking Younghyun would move in soon.

Jae didn’t bother asking Younghyun what he thought about the song. If he had something to say, he would’ve said it already. Cut in the middle of the chorus and say, _“I like this lyric,”_ or, _“I like what you did there.”_ Younghyun didn’t say a single word, only driving in silence. This wasn’t the Younghyun Jae knew. This wasn’t the Younghyun who’d always start up a conversation with Jae, who’d always say something when it’s silent, though just a simple _“You look pretty.”_ Younghyun was different.

And maybe that’s what made Jae break.

“I’m sorry,” he said. They were already parked in front of Jae’s house. Jae knew he should’ve left, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t bring himself to stand from the seat, to let go of Younghyun yet. To let go of Younghyun again. “I shouldn’t have left, I _know_ you told me to do it because it’s my dream, and yeah, you’re right, but you’re also wrong, because my dream is _you._ My dream has _always_ been you, and I should’ve stayed. Because _this_ never had a chance, _we_ never had a chance of working out once I left, but I did it anyway. I’m so sorry, I wish I could go back, because I miss you so much, every day of my life, and it hurts so bad to see that you’re not around.”

When he finished, he had to take a breath. Younghyun was tense, his jaw clenched, his hand gripping the steering wheel so hard that if Mina were here, she would comment, “Dude, I think your bones are gonna fucking pop out.” But Jae couldn’t see what Younghyun was feeling. It was too dark. Or maybe Younghyun’s eyes were just that dark.

No shimmer in them. No sparkle. No hint of love or longing.

But it was in the air. Younghyun could feel it. He wondered if Jae could, too.

Jae continued in a tiny voice, almost a whisper. “I still love you.”

He didn’t even look at Younghyun. He didn’t dare to. It pierced him—that face that seemed to lack emotion. His walls were built up so high, too high for Jae to peer over or climb. Instead, Jae looked at the rain, still pouring down. The streetlights, the motorcycle passing by, the couple walking under an umbrella. Anything other than the person that he couldn’t have.

Time seemed to have stretched. Seconds felt like minutes. The air was tense, but there was something there. The unspoken words. The feelings Younghyun kept deep inside his heart, that he couldn’t say for reasons he still doesn’t know today. The longing, the desperate need to hold Jae, to wrap his arms around Jae and kiss his forehead and say, “I love you too, angel.” The feeling of knowing that their separation wasn’t meant to happen, like it was against the plan the universe set out for them.

But their connection was weak, marked only by a broken string.

Jae didn’t feel a thing other than his drumming heart and near-crippling nervousness.

Younghyun broke the silence first. At first, Jae was hopeful. He always had that in him, that pure light of hope, like a little candle in his heart. It was naive and innocent. It was one of the things Younghyun loved about him.

The rain kept on beating down on the earth, and Jae’s flame was soon extinguished. Set out too soon.

Younghyun’s voice was colder than the rain when he said, “Have a good night.”

And Jae only nodded, slipping outside the car after muttering a small “thank you,” head bowed down. Was it in shame? Or was it a miserable attempt at pacifying the pain in his chest?

He shut the door, not checking to see if Younghyun had driven away or not. He pressed his back against the door, and his heavy heart made him lose sense of gravity; he sat down in the almost pitch black hallway, knees hugged to his chest. No voice came out of him. Only tears.

It was the most devastating way to cry. It’s how you cry when you lose all hope, when every last bit of positivity in you is drained out, and you can only watch as your world as you knew it came crashing down. It’s how you cry when you feel like you shouldn’t. When the pain is overwhelming, but so is that self-loathing that says, “You, you don’t deserve to cry.”

That night, too, Mina wondered if she should check up on her brother. The silence wasn’t normal, Younghyun would’ve grabbed her food and flicked her forehead when she complained. But she couldn’t, because every time she knocked on their shared bedroom door, the only reply was a strangled voice unlike Younghyun’s. “Not now.”

She checked the bottle that her brother abandoned. _Must’ve been too much for him_ , she thought. And she was right—25% alcohol.


End file.
